Dealing With Trauma’s Vicious Cycle

I have been thinking about a few things that I believe are crucial to my healing.

I felt the need to re-read parts of  Judith Herman’s Trauma and Recovery to help me process some of my thoughts and feelings. I read the book a year ago and many new feelings and thoughts have emerged since then and I thought re-reading passages of the book could help shed some light on what I am currently feeling and going through – and it did.

My recent thoughts and feelings have involved connections with people, trust, isolation and loneliness. In a recent journal entries I questioned these feelings and the obstacles to my healing they presents.

Journal Entry March 16, 2010 -“I realized this morning that this pain is a major obstacle for me. The overwhelming pain I feel won’t let me trust anyone. The pain won’t let me love anyone and it won’t allow me to let anyone love me. How do I overcome this? How do I go against the overwhelming and very real feelings I have of distrust when trying to connect with people?”

Journal Entry March 8, 2010 — I don’t feel any emotional connection to the people in my life.

In re-reading Trauma and Recovery the other day a passage on page 56 explains how “Trauma impels people to both withdraw from close relationships and to seek them out desperately. The profound disruption in basic trust, the common feelings of shame, guilt, and inferiority, and the need to avoid reminders of the trauma that may be found in social life, all foster withdrawal of close relationships. The traumatized person therefore frequently alternates between isolation and anxious clinging to others.” Well that hit it on the head. This passage clearly described what I experience.

She goes on to explain that a traumatized person sufferers “… damage to the basic structures of the self. They lose their trust in themselves, in other people and in God. Their self-esteem is assaulted by experiences of humiliation, guilt, and helplessness. Their capacity for intimacy is compromised by intense and contradictory feelings of need and fear. ” These experiences seemed to be true for rape victims, soldiers that experienced combat violence/war atrocities as well as trauma brought about by the threat of violence or death. Herman goes on to say that “With severe enough traumatic exposure, no person is immune.” to effects of post traumatic stress.

So then the question is how do I work through this? The weird thing is, according to Herman, the way to work through the feelings of distrust and fear is to rebuild the lost sense of self by…connecting with others. It is a frightening and complicated cycle…its no wonder I feeling like I am going in circles.

There have been other events in my life that have contributed to the lack of trust that have nothing to do with trauma, however they have caused me to disconnect, isolate and to feel a lack of safety and security within my life and relationships. The support group I was part of last year provided a safe place for me to connect with others. I don’t have that now, the vicious cycle caused by distrust and fear is at work constantly and interferes with this part of my healing.

This post was important and reflective. It clarified for me what challenges lie ahead and the kind of work I still need to do. It is going to require that I let my guard down and allow myself trust in people and situations that are “safe”. I know they exist I just have to allow myself to risk, process and manage “real” betrayal. I have to work to differentiate between triggered feelings from the past and true feelings from the present.  That’s a tall order.

Peace,

Fat Girl Oreo