Had no idea what I was going to write about today — but seeing cals consumed vs cals burned — I think I better talk about the benefits of walking 10K steps. Damn and I thought about it yesterday but I was so tired and I said I deserve a break since I worked out really hard Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.
I try to work toward a 500 calorie deficit to put me on track for a weekly 3500 calorie deficit with the hope of losing a pound — I just checked and last Friday I was 205.6 — so I am on track and lost a pound — whoopie!! (I’m being sarcastic). Its just the physical and mental effort that went into last week was intense — I really wish the payoff was more — but a 1-2 pound loss per week is what “the experts” say is good!
So maybe I need to just congratulate myself by saying — Job well done. I kept to all the processes– with the exception of drinking more water — that will get me to goal — Fat Girl Oreo/Lady Finger In Training — Great Job — now lets repeat that for 49 more weeks I’ll be where I want — wow imagine that — knowing you will complete something so difficult in less than a year — this time next year I’ll have the scale read 155lbs! — I got a lot of work to do in the mental and emotional department.
Yesterday I acknowledged in my therapy session, that as I left my house I looked in the mirror and just as quick as I took notice of my progress, a tinge of terror came over me and then old thoughts of self harm arose — I am going to have to fight that PTSD demon head on — with out my fat I feel vulnerable, that overwhelming feeling triggers such awful body sensations of terror — I am going to fight this time and I plan on winning — those are horrible sensations from the past they are not real today. Each time those feelings come to the surface — I will sit with them instead of trying to block them as though they are not happening. And actually I won’t sit with them I will confront them, stare them down and dare them to try to overwhelm me. I got this. I totally forgot! I’m a Superhero!
Steps 8,626 (fitit says more ( 10k+) but its wrong so I am giving an honest guesstimate)
Journal in my notebook Tuesday and Wednesday since I had to make exercise classes by 9am — both were tough — I thought it was me but the other folks in the class that I believe to be in good shape agreed so I don’t feel so bad — I guess broccoli saves! The workout was hard but I was able to do it — I didn’t want to … but I did. I am trying to zone out when the pain hits — I try to tell myself the pain is all in my mind and as long as I can keep doing the exercise I need to keep on going.
So this week I took 4 classes – I feel accomplished but as we all know — RESULTS ARE WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO SEE!!!! I have eaten on program each day since Friday — so I think that six days. I was miserable the first three days when I wouldn’t allow myself to have my two beers and popcorn — I fit it in to my food budget and I don’t feel at all deprived. That simple change just made each day more tolerable and I was able to lose a pound — I have to find other ways to measure and appreciate my efforts and success. I am taking note each day of the processes I use that will get me to goal — I meet 95% of them each day — I have to work on water. So in terms of processes I have been a success. I think I will try measuring myself at least once a month.
This is so hard — its getting easier but it just seems for all the effort I have to put in — particularly the exercise which is really challenging — that I should be skinny by now!!!!
So yesterday was hard too! Of course everything was fine until I headed home. I even brought my own food to eat after church — a yogurt and a banana– while my friend had something off the Burger King menu — that didn’t bother me — eating together is really for the company and not at all about the food. But as soon as I headed home all I could think about was throwing in the towel and doing what all dieters do “I’ll start on Monday” — I wrote the book on that one— It took a lot to get myself to walk home making a stop at a discount store hoping to get in more steps, and maybe look for something I could treat myself to that might just take my mind off binge eating..
I pushed myself to walk all the way home while I had an internal struggle with myself — it was really more like a MMA match — I guess the stronger of us won yesterday. I stopped at the supermarket allowed myself to buy two light beers, the light mayo I have been meaning to buy for weeks and my daily tic tac supply. I made it home and stayed on program but I had to fight the heavy weight MMA Champion of the World to do it — I am looking forward to a better day today — the plan — get in my 10K steps, eat what I have planned and go to the gym. I wonder who I’m gonna have to fight on the way home tonight. Last night’s MMA match was close and today I will have all the stresses of the job. Lawdt! Give me strength!
But I would like to unravel is what is it about going home at the end of the day? I know I feel like I have nothing to look forward to when I come home and I’d like to change that but really at the end of my day after working at a stressful job and maintaining my focus to remain on program I think I just want to let it all hang out and not have to restrict myself or use all my mental focus to keep sane — I have to be patient with people all day long, I have to focus on staying on program — push myself to get to the gym and then fight the fight of my life to stay on program when I get home. I know the more I practice this it will become habit — but right now its scary. I think I want a reward at the end of the day when I get home for holding it together all day with out screaming and throwing a tantrum.
I was discussing what God and Prayer can do for people yesterday over my paper bag lunch I took to Burger King and how God can sometimes slap the taste out your mouth when a change in your life is needed — let me say this — God will never slap the taste for fried chicken out your mouth — he knows good food when he created it.
So on to another day, I am going to make sure that today is a good day no matter what evil is thrown my way. (I’m scurred!)
Daily calorie budget 1,417 Fitbit calories burned –2,078 Calories consumed 8/27/16 1,438 Steps 8,772 I was 21 calories over my daily budget
Yesterday was okay until the evening hit — dinner time, down time…the what the heck do with myself now time! ugh… I made it though and only went over my daily calories by 21, but it was not fun. As it got closer to going home I was
1) worried I would not remain on plan and
2) feeling denied and restricted.
We I walk through the door I released a huge sigh of relief that I now made it home safe with no forbidden foods that would allow me to binge eat. I was safe because I don’t keep anything but “safe” foods in the house. Allowed myself to have my daily air popped popcorn — 9 cups under 300 cals. Keeps me munching long enough to satisfy my need to munch — a habit I plan on kicking — but one thing at a time.
I did wake up in the middle of the night and was hungry — had a yogurt and went back to sleep. Yesterday was not easy! I know it will get easier as I repeat this each day… I am in training again — Boot Camp was an entire year of training and the first three months were complete misery. What made it easier was 1) I stopped being so hard on myself and I started walking 10K steps a day — that really help the weight come off. Although I am doing strength train 4-6 hours a week I am not walking and as I recall — we were told that sometimes when we make the transition to exercise to choose not to walk the 10K steps which may actually burn more calories than the time spent at the gym. I plan on working on that too. One thing at a time.
I will admit I felt like completely giving up yesterday. I felt stuck between what I wanted right now (to binge eat) and what I want as a goal, to take off this weight and live healthy. The FEAR I talked about yesterday is also probably at work here. I have so much more work to do — I have learned so much about myself and adopted as part of my everyday life really good habits that make my goal of losing 50 pounds withing my reach. And that just may be the scary part — I might really be successful — oooh…then what??
I explore that tomorrow…
Fat Girl Oreo
(Lady Finger Cookie in training — they’re less round)
Yes… blogging daily save me before and produced result so here I am recommitting to posting daily.
I am facing a number of challenges — thankfully anxiety and panic at on of ’em. The the challenge I choose to focus on today is the one I have with food — and eating too much of it — To begin I will do my homework assigned at group on Tuesday —
1. Write down and share your Story. Tell the group where you feel you are NOW on the “goal and/or process” continuum?
I think I have the processes (’cause I got several) down
Log everything — even when I have eaten 3,000 calories over my budget
Weigh myself daily (this works for me and its not hard to do)
Get to our weekly meetings
A ROUTINE exercise schedule I emphasize routine because its the routine I can’t break. My exercise routine is my anchor and its the hardest one for me to reestablish if broken so I make sure that I go to the gym even if I did eat off program. When my exercise routine goes so does everything else)
Get my veggies in — they are filling
Get enough protein at every meal (thank you “R”)
Water — I am mindful, more now than ever to get in as much water as I can — some days that’s only 8ozs — but it was 8ozs I made an effort to drink 🙂
Forget what I did the day before (thank you again “R”)
Journal — reflect on what my triggers are (I am recommitting to blogging daily)
No Beer — for now (I tend to think its okay for me to order and eat ALL of a Dominos Pizza — medium thin crust and two lava cakes — when under the influence)
…and ask for help when I need it 🙂
As we discussed in group — the goal is just too big and triggering for me. I think committing to the process could work for me. 2. What are you doing (that is Within Your Sense of Control) that helps the process?
I reflect daily and have had to reboot a least a dozen time since year one — but what helps the most is holding on to those processes and acknowledge what processes I was able to carry out that day, try not to dwell on those you didn’t…reflect on them and make adjustments as needed. (this is very recent for me — within the last month — the switch just turn on – go figure) 3. What is hindering it?
FEAR– This is so complicated for me — my weight has kept me safe. I feel vulnerable under 190 and begin to experience anxiety — I was a mess in year one when I was between 190 and 180 — right now I’m 205 — and feel very uncomfortable physically, (I have weighed as much as 300lbs but came to year one weighing 230.) All those processes I listed above are all pretty easy for me — really…the most difficult one is drinking water and not drinking beer. Every time I see the scale move in the right direction I binge eat — never fails — my goal weight (which is maybe 160-150) is with in my reach I am so confident of it but I am also frightened of it — THIS IS ABSOLUTELY FRUSTRATING — been talking about this in therapy and I understand its rooted in my sex abuse history. No matter what I know intellectually — there are triggers I am not in control of and when they hit I don’t realize it until I’ve gained 5 pounds. 4. What is at work for your now regarding this, what are you doing about it (think mental work counts as much as behavioral work – think broadly here)
I have decided to write daily about my struggle/journal. I kept a public journal/blog from 2008-2009 which kept me focused and I lost 30lbs — but I also lost my mind — sent my right to therapy in crisis (that vulnerable feeling hit and I didn’t understand what was going on — had no idea it was related to the weight loss) – So I figure returning to my public journal could help me, again work through my struggle.
5. What is one thing you can commit to saying you’re committing to in the group about this?
I committed to carrying out my daily processed and sharing my progress on the board.
I have been feeling stronger since my last post. I have taken control of many self care tasks I let go of little by little… exercise, writing daily, eating right and being mindful of the things I can not control.
I spent the Thanksgiving Holiday alone — I didn’t have to it was a choice but I did some community service and had a great workout and indulged in a brief writing session at Starbucks. All in all it was a good day…and I stayed within my calories (I have lost 6 lbs in 4 weeks!) I am very pleased with myself.
The day after Thanksgiving brought on a powerful trigger as I ventured to Columbus Circle to pick up a new tablet I bought for myself. The trigger started as I began my journey to get a bite to eat and then hopped on the Broadway bus at 102nd Street to head down town. Thoughts of being alone, isolated and disconnected from people bounced around in my head. Know one knew or cared where I was — and why should they? I’m grown, its about noon the day after Thanksgiving no one should be concerned about me or my whereabouts. Its not like those closest to me haven’t been in touch within the last 24 hours. I either saw, spoke on the phone or exchanged texts with all who matter. So why the disconnected feeling?
I get to my destination, the environment with tall office buildings, heavy traffic and the crowds of people all seemed a bit overwhelming, but I kept my focus narrow until I walked the two blocks to my destination. I pick up my new toy and then head to the bus stop right around the corner. I stand at the bus stop, there is a stalled out of service bus there with some MTA vehicles around it — I admit I felt a little confused as to whether this was still serving as a bus stop. I looked at my phone App and there said a bus was one stop away — I couldn’t see one, I was going to walk to the next bus stop a few blocks downtown, and as I started to do that, I became disoriented and panic hit me and continued to escalate quickly. I hailed a taxi and of course felt defeated. My next thoughts went to what am I going to next Tuesday when I have to go to Rockefeller Center on the 29th Floor to some unknown venue. I felt like a failure — I nixed all plans for that day — which wasn’t that serious and went home.
I want to know what the trigger was and why was it a sneak attack? It could be because I chose to take myself out of my physical and emotional comfort zone. It weakens me — the unexpected panic attack — and I begin to feel self hate and worthless. I feel like a little girl who needs her mommy…I am too grown for that to disrupt my plans.
I was fearful that I would eat off program and possibly binge. I didn’t. I went to sleep early without dinner. Woke up just before midnight — pretty hungry and settled for some grapes and seltzer.
I handled the aftermath quite well. But experiencing that fear feels like death and I have no control over it.
I ended yesterday’s entry, so it seemed on a high note. I was ready to face and conquer the day…but the evil that is intent on making me wanna cut a, I mean holla (as in Marvin Gaye’s Inner City Blues). I did wanna holla, but honestly its the situation that has been imposed on my leadership by The Bully — that’s how I’ll identify them — because that’s what they are — I have to take back my leadership and face stand down the consequences. I wish I was as stoopid as Donald Trump so I could spew some loud nonsense at The Bully, walk away and just reset…ah the beauty of being an ignorant narcissist.
I think I have had to identify The Bully as such because I no longer have to figure this person out and I am clear on what I am dealing with…but what do you call someone who on one hand acts like your supportive friend and then bullies you. They set you up to be “vulnerable” by being supportive so you can let your guard down and them behind closed doors they beat you down. What is that??? Hold on lemme Google dat…I Googled and decided that this is a massive research project I don’t have time for this morning 😦
However the bullying that takes place triggers awful feelings of childhood helplessness, and intrusive thought of self hate and self harm. Examining this through my daily writing is helping me to detach myself from those feelings — when they hit, I just remind myself that its not me its the PTSD and its irrelevant to what is happening now.
I’m feeling fine now — but I expect to be hit with anxiety as Monday approaches and I will be forced face The Bully. I will continue to search for the inner strength I will need not to explode when I meet with him next week. Resentment is building and my patience is wearing thin — I can no longer sit still while he bullies me and they only way I can conquer The Bully is to become the victor — there can not be a volley of tit for tat because in the end I am still allowing myself to be victimized even thought I fight back and defend myself — The treatment must stop…period.
Now with that said. I will sign off and do some last minute things for work and pack for my mini vacation